Leo ([info]bakenius) wrote,
@ 2008-02-29 14:00:00
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Current mood: working
Current music:Mr. and Mrs. Jones - John Powell

outline v4.05 - Dialogue!
A good afternoon my dear readers,

What I have for you today is the first version of the script with dialogue. Yes, that's right. But I also know language isn't my strong point nor writing compact, witty, natural feeling dialogue that keeps consistent with the characters personality. I know many of you are strong in the English language and have read/written a lot. So any suggestions for improvements on any of it is more then welcome!

Here we go...



The island

Script v. 4.05

ACT 1

1. THE ISLAND: VARIOUS LOCATIONS – VARIOUS DAYTIMES


We begin the opening credits sequence with pretty foliage (different shaped leaves/flowers, butterflies) which then disappears from the screen with the crackle of trees being cut. We then see an old craftsman processing the just-cut tree into a pillar. We switch to a close shot of a volcanic rock wall around which a wooden pillar construction is build. We pan upwards and find a big man picking out what appears to be a big nose out of the black volcanic stone. Rubble flies through the air which is picked up in bucket by a running boy transporting the rubble to a hole below.

*In the background we meet Kaula playing with a little creature that is abruptly caught by a clan member.*

Near the hole woman are weaving the palm tree leaves into rope. The same rope we see then towed by a group of man pulling the statue we yet have to see in full. Then the statue’s being raised *very grand and proud moment* and the local Shaman performs a blessing in front of the whole clan that has gathered. Kaula runs in late during the ceremony and exchanges a tense look with her father. Then the clan, led by the heavyweight Chief, burst out in cheers and celebrate.

! important here is to show how many and very different members of the clan are invested in this statue making process, and do this with great skill and pride.
! The islanders introduced in the close-ups will be the same people Kuala goes to plead her case to in the montage sequence.
! Also important is to show in detail how this process is very depended on using the island trees.


Walking Back


2. FIELDS BETWEEN COAST AND VILLAGE – AFTERNOON (CLEAR)

While walking from the ceremony back to the village the Chief takes a moment to talk with his daughter.

CHIEF
*content* “ahh... some party, wasn’t it?”

KUALA
*pondering* “Why are we erecting new statues father? There are so many already…” *points at the many statues scattered over the coast*

CHIEF
“Well uhm, that’s the wish of our ancestors of course. This way they can watch over us. The more we erect, the safer we are.”

KAULA
“But how can you really know? Can they talk back then?”

CHIEF
“In a way I guess, but that’s the Shaman’s territory”

KAULA
“But how does the shaman know–“

CHIEF
*interrupts while smiling* “This is no business for little girls to be concerned about.”

KAULA
*pulls an annoyed expression*

CHIEF
*notices it, then decides to ‘pull out’ a surprise he got planned.*

The Chief pushes a surprise in Kuala’s face: it’s a rare little bird in a beautifully crafted cage.
Kaula looks at the little creature aghast since she recognises this is the one that she was playing with the other day before it was caught.

KAULA
*looks painfully at the bird*

CHIEF
*surprised* “You… don’t like it?”

KAULA
*continues to stare painfully*

CHIEF
*slightly agitated* “You know, these are rather rare today. It took my servant a lot of effort to find and capture one.”

Kaula, while still staring at the little creature that’s whining and quivering of fear, is now boiling with anger. The Chief now gets disappointed because she doesn’t even try to be grateful with the gift that took him so much effort to acquire.

CHIEF
“You don’t like it?”

KAULA
“It’s sad.”

CHIEF
“Well if you don’t want it, I like it back please. They’re a delicacy after all.”

KAULA
*angry* “What?! No!” *runs off with the caged creature.*


CHIEF
*calls after her* “Kaula! Be reasonable!”

CHIEF
*gathers that her daughter really needs to blow of steam and leaves, sighing.*


Kuala

3. THE REMOTE CLIFF – DUSK (CLEAR)

We cut to Kaula sitting on a remote cliff looking out over the sea in deep thought, obviously still feeling angry about what happened earlier but it turned more into a feeling of incapacity now. There is also an ancient-looking statue standing behind her (which shouldn’t really attract the viewer’s interest too much, because they are everywhere.)

KAULA
*looks at the still encaged bird* The little birdie looks back quivering.

KAULA
*sighs*

KAULA
*mutters while releasing the bird from it’s cage* “Why won’t my father understand?”

The bird immediately flies away, happily twittering. Kaula keeps looking at it go until it’s gone. And the sighs deeply, finally unwinding a bit while the sun is setting.

Then a deep wary voice behind her agrees with her statement…

STATUE
“I guess because he’s too thick-headed. The whole island is, actually.”

KAULA
*Looks behind her startled but doesn’t see anyone.*

STATUE
*dry* “Hello.”

KAULA
*amazed* “You… spoke?!?”

STATUE
*dry* “Yes?”

KAULA
“I never seen a Moai speak before.”

STATUE
“Well, I prefer not to these days. It is effort wasted”

KAULA
“Why?”

STATUE
*sigh* “Because the island is doomed, of course.”

KAULA
“Doomed? How so?”

STATUE
“Just… look at the hill behind me.”

POV Kuala looking at the main hill of the island. Aside from a little group of trees at the top the main hill is a barren wasteland. Kaula’s expression tightens.

STATUE
“They keep cutting trees in order to erect more Moai statues, as if there were not enough of us elders down here already”

We see ancient statues in the background that now seem alive: the field cluttered with statues resembles an old peoples home. Most of them are snoring, some of them are staring ‘out of the window’ One is complaining about another statue blocking his view.

KAULA
*is looking at the barren scene with open mouth.*

STATUE
“Somehow your quaint fellow villagers are too daft to realise they also live from plants of the forest. *matter of fact-ly* So it wont be long before they will all starve.”

KAULA
“We have to do something!” Tell… Everybody!”

STATUE
“It’s no use. They’re just too thick-headed to comprehend so I stopped caring a long time ago.”

KAULA
“So we just go on and starve? I don’t think so. We just have to stop erecting statues! I’ll just convince my father, he might be a bit dim, but this is just so obvious. He’ll have to do something!” *storms off*

STATUE
*Inhales to make a response but doesn’t as he’s notices that Kuala already left the scene*


Shaman's Hut

4. THE CHIEF’S HUT – EVENING

Establishing shot of the ‘Chief palace’: a ridiculous lush and big hut compared to the rest of the village, it’s interior has a laid-back lounge quality. Kaula goes through the moonlit room to address her father who sits comfortable in his ‘throne’ made of palm trees (of course) busy eating a coconut while playing with a miniature Moai statue.

KAULA
*hyperactive* “Father? Father! We have to stop making statues! It’s really bad, you know, we use up all the trees to make them! Without we will starve!”


The Chief is clearly thrown for a moment, and looks glum to the miniature he’s holding but then decides to take Kaula’s warning as a personal insult.

CHIEF
“You can never be supportive in your father’s business, can you?”

KAULA
“No, I’m serious. An old Moai statue told me-”


CHIEF
*interrupt her* In a condescending tone: “Kaula, are you sure you didn’t just dream off again?”

KAULA
*infuriately takes a deep breath to argue*

The chief is still unconvinced but in his hope to reconcile with his daughter he decides to play along.

CHIEF
“Well then, why don’t you show me that talking statue in the morning? But first- ”


KAULA
“-To bed. Yes, I know.”


Barren Hill

ACT 2

5. THE REMOTE CLIFF – MORNING (GREY SKY)


We’re back on the cliff. Kaula and her father enter the shot. Kaula is holding her father’s hand, trying to make him go faster.

CHIEF
"This dinky old one? We make far better these days.”

KAULA
“No… just wait.”

They now stand in front of the statue. Kaula desperately tries to get the statue to speak, even knocking on/touching the statue, the statue however, stubborn as he is, remains inanimate.

CHIEF
“Uhm, dear… I think you might have dreamed the whole thing. I mean, the island’s fine, I’m sure.”

KAULA
“No it isn’t. Argh, stupid statue!” *gives a final kick*

CHIEF
“Kaula…”

KAULA
“No, if you won’t believe me I’ll just have to convince everyone else.”

While Kaula walks off the Chief keeps standing there a little while longer shaking his head in disbelieve for her daughter strange behaviour but suddenly catches sight of the empty, barren hills and scratches is head with a looming worried expression. The statue in the background notices this without giving himself away.

6. THE ISLAND: VARIOUS LOCATIONS – VARIOUS DAYTIMES

Montage: We see Kuala trying to convince the stone hackers, the wood pickers, the rope weavers, the running boy and so on with increasing inventiveness but without any success.
Various statues in the background - awoken by the recent stir in events Kaula is causing - do notice her continues effort though.


Inside the Shamans Hut

When the montage winds down after a row of rejections we see near-beaten Kaula enter the sinister hut of the Shaman which is completely devoted to ancestor worship.
The audience notices a prominent row of portraits of previous shamans: under each portrait stands a little row of wooden, miniature Moai statues. Each succeeding shaman seemed pressured to build more. The current shaman appears to have broken all records though, with so many miniatures that they threaten to fall of the shelf.

SHAMAN
*carves a miniature statue above the firelight*

KAULA
“Uhm, Shaman? May I ask you something?”

SHAMAN
*dignified without stopping his activity* “You may.”

KAULA
*talking overactive* “We have to stop making statues! It’s really bad you know, we use all the trees to make them! Without we will starve! The old statue at the cliff told me so!”

SHAMAN
*stops dead in his carving*

KAULA
*winding down* “…so, you know, we have to stop…”

SHAMAN
*turns around and gives a mortifying grim stare*

KAULA
*looks sheepishly*

We cut to the outside of the Shaman’s hut, Kuala runs out followed by the Shaman who angrily shakes his shaman-voodoo stick from the door opening.

7. THE REMOTE CLIFF – NIGHT

Exhausted and disappointed Kaula drags herself to the old statue again.

KAULA
“Stupid statue!”

STATUE
*remains inanimate*

KAULA
Why don’t you talk? Coward!”

STATUE
*remains inanimate*

KAULA
“Fine, don’t.” *sits down facing the sea* *sighs while staring out*

KAULA
“You were right, you know. Nobody wants to listen. They just don’t really believe it. Not as long as no one is starving, I guess…” *the statue comes alive behind her*

Still with Kuala in front of the camera the statue responds:

STATUE
“Now you know for yourself. It’s hopeless.”

KAULA
*gets an angry expression while the statue says this*

KAULA
“I refuse to believe that! It’s only ‘hopeless’ because you’re not helping. You could have said something when my father was here.”

STATUE
“He seemed rather simple-minded…”

KAULA
“Yeah well, I know, but still… he means well. And he is our Chief, he can change things if you managed to convince him. I know you still care about the island. You’ll have to try, even if it’s most likely to fail anyway. What do you have to lose?”

STATUE
“Yes, uhm, well…”

KAULA
“well what?”

STATUE
“I eh, may be able to ‘help’ a little…”



Nightmare

8. THE CHIEF’S HUT - NIGHT

We see the Chief sleeping, then the colours change from night-blue to feverish red. The Chief wakes up inside a nightmare: a completely barren version of the island. He is confronted with scary, living statues that try to crush him. He starts to run for his life. From his point of view a hillside comes into view: completely barren, with one tree on the top that is being cut. Then the Chief finds himself in a cage that looks just like that one he gave to Kaula hold by a giant version of the little creature. The creature moves the cage to show him what happens to his people without trees left. No building material, no food… visions of people perishing from hunger, fighting over what’s left...

ACT 3

9. THE CHIEF’S HUT – NIGHT (NEAR DAWN)

Awoken from the nightmare he storms into the room where Kaula is sleeping who wakes up immediately. The Chief is soaked in sweat but with a determent look in his eyes. Kuala looks back delighted.

! No words are spoken here to heighten the tension of the viewer that really needs to be left in the dark here for a moment know at this point.


10. THE REMOTE CLIFF / THE VILLAGE – DAY (GOING FROM A CLEAR TO DARK SKY)

! This is a cross-cutting scene going back and fourth between Kaula and the Chief raising the tension more and more. This scene should be a real nail-biter.

CLIFF

KAULA
*Happily hops towards to old statue to tell good news.*

VILLAGE

CHIEF
*Walks toward a stage in the middle of the village while arranging his official garments*

The whole clan has walked out to hear what the Chief has to say… there hangs tension in the air. Even the Moai statues overlooking the village ‘hold their breath’.

CLIFF

KAULA
“Old statue! Wake up! It worked!”

VILLAGE

CHIEF
*Finally addresses the clan by breaking the silence.* “My dear clan, I had a vision…”

CROWD
*goes ohh*

CLIFF

KAULA
“…he’s going to stop making statues. Isn’t it great?”

STATUE
*is pleasantly surprised* He had more or less forgotten he capable of anything besides observing. Now he is moderately optimistic for the first time in a century.

VILLAGE

CHIEF
*progresses his speech*, “…look at the hills! When we cut the last trees we’ll have nothing! Nothing to eat, nothing to build our houses from….”

CROWD
*responds in unrest.*

CLIFF

KAULA
*overly enthusiastic spins out future plans* “…If we spend our time replanting seeds and crops, the island will be greener in no time, the birds will have more places to nest and…”

STATUE
*Listens encouraging*

VILLAGE


CHIEF
*Trying to calm the crowd* “…it’s the will of the ancestors.” … “R-really… they told my daughter…”

CROWD
*unrest and confusion grows even stronger*

Then the old Shaman - sitting stone-faced till now - ‘rises’ with grim urgency…

SHAMAN
*points to the Chief* “Heretic! His lying daughter is blinding him!”

CROWD
*Goes berserk. Some people are about to storm the stage.*

The Moai statues behind the crowd are shocked.

CLIFF

KAULA
*Is still enthusiastically ‘spinning plans’* “…and then we can build a whole village for the birds and…”

The background statues are relaying a message from the village: the Chief is overthrown and they’re about to sacrifice him. The old statue that kicks back in his doom thinking mode immediately:

STATUE
*sigh* Alas, we are doomed after all. Why oh why did I allow myself to be carried away once again…”

KAULA
“What… why…“

STATUE
“At least you can be saved, Kuala. Look over there.”

He directs to an old overgrown forgotten boat lying in a secluded bay you can see from this remote cliff)

STATUE
“Head east and don’t look back.”

KAULA
“But what about my father?”

STATUE
“A first victim of ignorance, I’m afraid.”

VILLAGE

People are closing in, the Chief still desperately tries to reason with them, two big man grab the Chief by the arms

CLIFF

KAULA
*Running as hard as she can, crossing many Moai statues on her way that now cheer her on.*

VILLAGE

A ceremonial blade appears.

Amidst of the chaos Kaula appears and grabs the hand of her still stunned father. In the chaos this ensues the Chief is temporarily released and they sneak out. The Shaman spots them though and yells at the angry mob to go after them.

11. THE REMOTE CLIFF – DAY (DARK SKY)

An angry mob follows the two through a maze of statues towards the coast.
When they reach the remote cliff and the mob has almost caught up with them, the Easter Head statue is amazed to see the Chief still alive despite his doom scenario and this gives him the incentive to actively help them escape. The overweight chief has trouble keeping up with Kuala and trips, so now he appears done for. Now in a spur of bravery the Easter Head comes to life and tumbles over cutting the chief of from the bewildered crowd that is genuinely scared by this.

12. COAST – DAY (SKY CLEARING UP)

With the mob out of the picture, Kaula leads her father to the boat. But the Chief stops dead in his tracks for a moment.

CHIEF
*Reaches his hand out to the direction of his people with a sad and bewildered expression*

CHIEF
“But… Can’t I… W-why… ?!?”

KAULA
“They’re not going to understand.”

CHIEF
*Still looks sad*

KAULA
*comes to a bitter realisation while having to say to her father:* “It’s… heh… hopeless.” “Come on.”

The two get into the old boat waiting in the secluded bay, get in and leave the island. The clan people who now reached the beach are angrily yelling after them.

-THE END-

(AFTER THE CREDITS) 13. THE ISLAND SHORES FROM SEA – DAY (CLEAR SKY)


While the credits run we see the island going up in flames and near the end of the credits we see the ship of Jacob Roggerveen and arriving at the barren island. Stunned, thinking what the in hells name happened here.




(Post a new comment)


[info]rob_d
2008-02-29 12:54 pm UTC (link)
Oooh, exciting! I'll give it a thorough review tonight at home. Don't think boss would appreciate me doing it in his time ;)

(Reply to this)


[info]zolphia
2008-02-29 03:42 pm UTC (link)
Yay!
Well, yay for you posting more and progressing and yay allowing me to give feedback. It's a fun thing to do. ^_^
I'll get into the specific lines in another comment, because first some overall things:

The Chief's personality isn't fully fleshed out yet. He is a bit of a simple man, who, like the rest of the island, thinks that consuming = good and therefore one should consume as much as possible without wasting anything. That's why he thinks he can buy his daughter's love. But what isn't clear yet (to me at least) is his relationship with his daughter. In my mind Kaula has had these concerns for a while now and probably mentioned some things before. So her relationship with her father had worsened already; she feels misunderstood, pulls away from him, he doesn't like it so he tries extra hard to buy her love, etc. In other words: basic puberty. If that's the case, then the Chief shouldn't be surprised that his gift didn't solve everything, but is more sad & disappointed ("another failure..."). That would also show that clearly, consumerism isn't everything in life. However, as the script currently is, it seems that the Chief has never heard Kaula's concerns before and thinks everything is peachy fine between them. Which is why he is surprised. And to me, that just seems less likely.

The statue is way too cheerful. He's kind of teasing and immediately very talkative. He should be grumpier, gloomier. I would also like to say him be more selfish. Right now, it's all "I care so much about the island". But he doesn't care anymore, he has given it up. So the only thing left to care about is himself. That's why I more expect him to say something in the line of "they're ruining my island" and "you can't have a proper conversation with those youngster statues".

Another general point (is there a word limit with comments btw?) is the scene with Shaman & Kaula. I doubt that she would try to convince him. She should know by now that he's a creepy old guy, who in the past has probably persuaded the Chief to build more statues. I doubt that even optimistic!Kaula thinks she has a chance with him. However, what is possible is that the Shaman very much wants to have a little chat with her, because he has seen her talking to everyone and he wants everything to run smoothly.

Final general point is simply the remark that the ending is wonderful. I liked having the birdies in the Roggerveen-era, because that showed that Kaula still making a difference. But instead having her give up hope and then see the result is also a good ending, though a less happy one. (And don't have her say "come on" after that. The realization of the hopelessness is the ending, that should be the final words. But now I'm starting to talk about specific lines and I'd leave that for another comment).

(Reply to this)


[info]damanique
2008-02-29 04:31 pm UTC (link)
I'm busy at work, so I'll give you a full review this weekend. I'm good at dialogue things, so I won't babble about the plotline anymore. I'll get back to you ;D

(Reply to this)


[info]zolphia
2008-02-29 04:35 pm UTC (link)
Right, on with the specifics. Generally speaking (eh, so that's not very specific) you say a lot of things explicitly in your dialogue that aren't needed. They make the people talk unnatural and the audience understands it anyway.

we meet Kaula playing with a little creature that is abruptly caught by a clan member
I probably don't have to say this, because you've thought of this yourself. But clearly the clan member didn't see that Kaula was playing with the birdie. So the birdie was probably moving away from her or something.

“ahh... some party, wasn’t it?”
I'd be more cheerful as well. The Chief is a happy guy and he constantly wants to cheer Kaula up as well, so more cheerfullness. Like "Now that was a wonderful party, wasn't it?". Also, I just feel like "some party" is something that teenagers used to say in the eighties.

Why are we erecting new statues father?
Does a young girl not only know but also use, the verb "erecting"? I'd just go with "building".

Well uhm, that’s the wish of our ancestors of course.
No uhm. At this point there is no doubt in the Chief's mind. He immediately knows the answer, because he strongly believes in it. "It's the wish of our ancestors, of course".

But how can you really know?
This is something a scientist would say, not a young girl. A scientist is like "ah, you may think you know the things you know, but how can you really know that your knowledge is real?". A young girl is just "But how do you know that?"

“In a way I guess, but that’s the Shaman’s territory”
Here, I'd prefer "but that's Shaman's business". To me, territory sounds a bit odd....

“This is no business for little girls to be concerned about.”
....but then you say business again here and saying the same word so close together never sounds nice. You can actually just cut the "business" part away and say "This is not for little girls...".

It took my servant a lot of effort to find and capture one
He has his own personal servant? I wonder if that's possible in a small island, where all the manpower is needed for the statues. So to me a simple errand boy will suffice. But also, you say too much explicit things here. "I had someone spend a lot of effort to find it" is enough; the function-title is unimportant and the fact that it's captured as well is kind of DUH.

Well if you don’t want it, I like it back please. They’re a delicacy after all.
Two things: I wonder if the Chief uses "please" against his little girl. Second, you don't ask for gifts back, it's not proper. I'd change it into "Well, if you don't want it, then we can have it for dinner". That way she'd still get to enjoy her gift (ehm, in theory anyway).

*calls after her* “Kaula! Be reasonable!”
I've said this before that in my mind with the relationship between Chief & Kaula already fragile, he would not call after her, because he wouldn't be so surprised.

Why won’t my father understand?
I'd say "can't". Will not implies that it's her father's choice. However, it should become clear to her that he is incapable of understanding. Though on the other hand, this is still optimistic!Kaula, who believes that she can still change people's opinions. So in that respect "won't" is more appropriate.

Right, I now have to go and make a bird-free dinner. So comments will resume at a later time.

(Reply to this) (Thread)


[info]zolphia
2008-02-29 05:50 pm UTC (link)
Tummy is full, so here we go again.

I guess because he’s too thick-headed. The whole island is, actually.
Not enough grumpy and again too many words. "He's too thick-headed, just like everybody else" is enough. It sounds grumpier, because "the whole island is, actually" sounds like someone stating a fact like "vitamin C is good for you, actually" or "Geert Wilders is a nasty guy, actually". I want less fact-stating and more complaining.

*dry* “Hello.”
The statue does have a dry, British sense of humour and he is an old guy. So I think he'd say the more formal "Good evening".

“I never seen a Moai speak before.”
You see someone speak. Shouldn't it be the same sense? Like "hear someone speak". (Also, it's either I've never seen or I never saw or Kaula has imperfect grammar).

“Well, I prefer not to these days. It is effort wasted”
Again, it's so light. Like saying "these days I prefer apples instead of pears". I'd go with something like "Well, what's the point? These days it's just a waste of effort". ("effort wasted" sounds a bit too formal and not speaking-language to me). Also, you again specifically say the fact "These days I [the statue] prefers not to speak". That's the explicitly stating what's happening I mentioned before.

“They keep cutting trees in order to erect more Moai statues, as if there were not enough of us elders down here already”
Again, long explicit stating. Can change into "And all that for more elders nagging at me".

to realise they also live from plants of the forest.
So explicit. a simple "they need the forest" is enough. The audience can think and connect the dots themselves.

“It’s no use. They’re just too thick-headed to comprehend so I stopped caring a long time ago.”
His actions already tell us he stopped caring. It's show, not tell. The whole part after "so I..." can be skipped. And he already used the term "thick-headed", so maybe a synonym here. Stupid is simpler, but appropriate, because the statue is making his big complaint here. He doesn't care about fancy terms, but just want to spit it out as nasty as possible.

I’ll just convince my father, he might be a bit dim, but this is just so obvious. He’ll have to do something!
Show the dimness, not say it. "It's just so obvious, I can convince my father with this" is better. Also, because Kaula is still optimistic about convincing her father. In a way, her dad is constantly trying to find ways to make her love him, while at the same time Kaula is constantly trying to find ways to convince him. She feels she now knows how and is determined and enthusiastic.
And it's not clear to me what "this" is. Does Kaula think that the new knowledge will convince her dad? Or the talking head?

Right, next sentence.... wait, scene four? After all this I've only done three scenes? Out of 13?!
This is gonna take up so much time. And space. And you'll be forced to read it all. I feel sorry for you.
Anyway, I need time for another break and do a few annoying chores.

(Reply to this) (Parent)(Thread)


[info]zolphia
2008-02-29 07:24 pm UTC (link)
Clearly, I don't need to make lj-entries when I make comments this big.
Also, I have reached the maximum character length of 4300 (it was originally 6389 characters), so I had to cut it in two.

“Father? Father! We have to stop making statues! It’s really bad, you know, we use up all the trees to make them! Without we will starve!”
Again, explicit and not how a young girl would talk. I suggest something like: "Father? Father! You have to stop making statues! Because that needs trees, but the forest also needs trees and we need the forest, because without it we'll starve!"
Hyperactive young children tend to not be very coherent. Also she is asking him to stop making statues, instead of simply stating the fact that we as a people should stop.

looks glum to the miniature he’s holding
In my mind, the Chief gives birdie, gift fails, he focuses on new gift: new statue. However, I'm not sure if either you've written out that last part or if the last part needs clarification. The link between new statue and new gift doesn't really seem to exist anymore. Which means that all my previous comments, with the assumption that Chief constantly trying to find ways to buy Kaula's love, have become partly obsolete. That's the problem when you still remember previous versions as well as making your own version in your head.

“You can never be supportive in your father’s business, can you?”
It's supportive of, not in. And you can make it less "character stating the fact" by saying "Can't you just be supportive of your father's business for once?".
(Note: all dialogue suggestions by me are really my own spur-of-the-moment suggestions and not at all the Perfect way. They just represent the different kind of feel I'd give to a line).

“Well then, why don’t you show me that talking statue in the morning?
If he quickly interrupts her, before she can do any angry-arguing, then you can't say "well then" first. You immediately interrupt with "why don't you", you don't have the time for a "well then".

"This dinky old one? We make far better these days.”
I like the last sentence. It's a way of showing the Chief's (and the villager's) attitude instead of telling it. But of course it needs to be corrected with "we make far better ones these days".

“Uhm, dear… I think you might have dreamed the whole thing. I mean, the island’s fine, I’m sure.”
I'd drop the "I mean", but for a slightly complicated reason. Chief thinks talking statue = dream. When you say "it was a dream. I mean," then that "I mean" means you clarify the dream. You go on about why it was a dream. So the Chief would rather say "you might have dreamed the whole thing. I mean, statues don't talk to little girls". But instead the last sentence isn't clarification nor expansion of the first sentence; it's about reassuring Kaula. So I would drop the "I mean" and just go "dreamed the whole thing. I'm sure the island's fine" without the 'overbruggingswoordje' (or whatever the official Dutch term for it is).

“No, if you won’t believe me I’ll just have to convince everyone else.”
Add a "then" between "me" and "I'll". I haven't mentioned all these little grammar things to make it sound better and correct. I think I say enough as it is.

In my mind scene 6 would be different, like I said in the general-comments-comment. Still, if you want to keep it this way:

May I ask you something?
Later on she doesn't ask, she orders. So it's more like "May I say something?".

“We have to stop making statues! It’s really bad you know, we use all the trees to make them! Without we will starve! The old statue at the cliff told me so!
I also feel that this is not a hyperactive child talking. And it isn't clear to me what Kaula feels about the Shaman. If she thinks that he's a creepy old guy, then she may have more reservations about talking to him compared to her daddy. That fear may keep her hyperactivity in check. So she'd be more formal and sense-making, like: "I don't think we should make more statues*. It destroys the forest and we need that for food. The old statue at the cliff told me so himself!"
*I don't think that Kaula knows that she shouldn't order the Shaman, but makes a suggestion instead.

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[info]zolphia
2008-02-29 07:25 pm UTC (link)
You were right, you know. Nobody wants to listen. They just don’t really believe it. Not as long as no one is starving, I guess…
Again, lots of explicitly stating what's going on. But in this case it's okay to have a bit of that. "Nobody wants to listen. Not while everything is going fine." implies that currently it's all good and that's what matters to them. Also, for a young girl, Kaula talks about starving a lot. I'd think she'd be a bit more hesitant to use that words, so I did not want to use it here. If you use it too often, it will lose some of its meaning and significance.

“Now you know for yourself. It’s hopeless.”
The "for yourself"-part is useless explicit-stating. A mere "Now you know." is much better.

You could have said something when my father was here.
I'd feel more comfortable with an informal "my dad". Or does she really always call him "father"? And a "You could have said something to my dad." will suffice.

“He seemed rather simple-minded…”
Back to extra-grumpiness for the statue. I'd prefer "too simple-minded", meaning "he could not understand", whereas "rather simple-minded" is a general observation, which implies something about whether or not daddy would understood it, but makes no explicit judgment.

“Yeah well, I know, but still… he means well. And he is our Chief, he can change things if you managed to convince him.
More natural to me would be "I know, but he means well." The way it is now has too many pauses. Also the "if you managed to convince him" is unnecessary stating and can be removed completely.

You’ll have to try, even if it’s most likely to fail anyway.
Yeah, those are encouraging words! That'll make the statue want to do something! Just "You have to try" will do.

“I eh, may be able to ‘help’ a little…”
This is a turning point for the statue. He resigns to the fact that he'll try and help. A confirmation of that would be nice: "Fine. I may be able to help a little". (Help doesn't need ' ' or to be spoken differently. It will soon become clear what kind of help he means).

And that was scene 7. Fortunately, scene 8 doesn't have dialogue so I can go through that one quickly. Unfortunately, I first have to do the dishes.

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[info]zolphia
2008-02-29 08:04 pm UTC (link)
I would have liked to see your face as you go online, curious about any feedback, click on your lj, see my massive comments, and go "oh, fuck". That would've been fun. Also, I didn't have the time to also spell-check everything. One glaring mistake obviously is:
"I don't think that Kaula knows that she shouldn't order"
Of course I mean that "I think Kaula knows that she shouldn't...".

On with scene 9! Oh, no dialogue either. How lovely.

My dear clan
Just use "people". It can be a tribe, a clan, a whatever. But in the end what really matters is that these are your people.

I had a vision…
Something weird just happened. I now actually want to add some explicit-stating and have him say "I had a vision from the ancestors themselves!". Visions and insights can happens without any supernatural-stuff. But if you want to keep things quickly-paces, you may not want to add anything.

…he’s going to stop making statues.
The Chief isn't going to stop making statues; he's stopping the statues-making-process (as in, he doesn't do it, but stops other people doing it). So I'd change it into "he's going to stop the construction" or "the building" if a small girl doesn't know the word construction.

If we spend our time replanting seeds and crops, the island will be greener in no time, the birds will have more places to nest and…”
You can cut words here. "If we replant seeds and crops, then there'll be more plants and the birds can nest everywhere again and". It's a child, I don't think she talks about an abstract "greener island", but more specific "more plants".

His lying daughter is blinding him!
Lying isn't enough in this case. When a child lies, a parent is supposed to catch it and not spread it out throughout the community. The fact that she managed to convince him of her foul lies, means that there is more going on. With the confused and upset people, the Shaman has an opportunity to ruin the Chief's reputation and bringing bigger guns. "His daughter, strayed from the path, is blinding him!" or even "His corrupted daughter is blinding him!".

Alas, we are doomed after all. Why oh why did I allow myself to be carried away once again…
Explicit. Fact. Stating. "It seems we are doomed after all." Not the "alas". It is more formal, but has less emotion in it. You use "alas" when you already realized that it was bad: "you're plan may sound good, but alas, you've forgotten something important". But the statue is realizing what's happening while he says this sentence, that is when realization dawns at him. Which is why I went for "it seems"; there is some uncertainty about what's going on, but he has a pretty good idea.
Reading the script again, I may go with "Alas, we are doomed after all" after all. (Yes, I have the right to change my mind). If the statue sees bad things happening, then realization dawns on him as he speaks, as he starts to realize what he is seeing. But if the statues are saying to him "Chief is bye-bye, we're all screwed", then realization immediately kicks in, statue sighs, and says "alas". Language is so complicated.

“At least you can be saved, Kuala. Look over there.”
I'd go with "At least I can save you, Kuala. Quick, over there." It means that the statue is happy that he himself at least can do something right. And the quick of course because the villagers are coming and to keep the tension going as well.

“A first victim of ignorance, I’m afraid.”
Grammar-wise it's "the first". Also, I'm wondering if this is something the statue would say. I suppose he could. It really depends on what kind of personality he has.

Ah, dialogue-less scene 11, how wonderful you are.

“They’re not going to understand.”
Need breath. Musn't talk. Quick words. Keep running. So it's "they won't understand".
And as I said before, skip the "come on".

Pfoewie, that took a while to write. I hope it's useful to ya.

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[info]damanique
2008-02-29 09:33 pm UTC (link)
Holy crap, is there no end to your awesomeness? XD You could totally earn money being an editor for scripts and stories o_O; 'Cause that's what you're doing here, and you're doing a really good job. :D

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[info]zolphia
2008-02-29 10:21 pm UTC (link)
Holy crap, is there no end to your awesomeness?
Why thank you! My awesomeness is indeed an infinite plane.
But seriously, I still feel like my comments are just ramblings and rants.

You could totally earn money being an editor for scripts and stories o_O;
Or, you know, pick one of the many different jobs I can do with my study and earn money that way. Having a lot of possibilities aren't always good.
Still, getting to work on a story without having to do the actual writing is a win-win situation for me.

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[info]bakenius
2008-03-01 07:13 am UTC (link)
I would have liked to see your face as you go online, curious about any feedback, click on your lj, see my massive comments, and go "oh, fuck". That would've been fun.

Well, I had a grin from ear to ear. This is great stuff. Not only did make really helpful suggestions for about every line, you also made arguments for all the changes! It's clear by now that you need a special spot at the credits. Just under 'special thanks to' will not suffice. ;)

I can go on about this in more detail tomorrow, now I'm off to the stripbeurs in Rijswijk.

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[info]zolphia
2008-03-01 08:48 am UTC (link)
you also made arguments for all the changes!
Well of course! It's your story, you decide what happens. So I shouldn't just shout something, I should convince you. And for that one needs arguments.
But yeah, the dialogue as it was right now had a lot of issues. It reminded me of the first version of the story: the idea's good, but it still needs a lot of work refining. Which means that I had a lot of suggestions. Which means that I spend most of my Friday night on this (but by choice! and I enjoyed it too).

It's clear by now that you need a special spot at the credits. Just under 'special thanks to' will not suffice. ;)
And now I'm grinning from ear to ear. It's a win-win situation!

Though I did realize later on, that having read all the different versions and giving the feedback, I have actually started to contradict myself. Really, you could use my own words against me. So let's have a discussion with myself:

29-2Lon: "the Chief gives birdie, gift fails, he focuses on new gift: new statue."
21-1Lone: "Really? His daughter doesn't like new-statue-ceremonies, doesn't like his present. So it is a shock that she doesn't like another statue?"

1-3Lon: Hmmm... you both have a point. I like the idea of the Chief constantly coming up with gifts to win his daughter. But even he should realize by now that Kaula doesn't like statues and so he wouldn't bother with a new statue as a gift. This means that after the birdie, there isn't any room in the story for suggestions of more gift-giving.

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[info]bakenius
2008-03-02 01:00 pm UTC (link)
So I shouldn't just shout something, I should convince you. And for that one needs arguments.
But yeah, the dialogue as it was right now had a lot of issues.


I just spend a hour implementing the proposed changes one by one, consciously deciding whether I agree with them, I really learn something new about writing. Especially the show and tell thing.

Which means that I spend most of my Friday night on this (but by choice! and I enjoyed it too).

That's a relief, so in that way I won't need to feel too guilty. ;)

1-3Lon: Hmmm... you both have a point. I like the idea of the Chief constantly coming up with gifts to win his daughter. But even he should realize by now that Kaula doesn't like statues and so he wouldn't bother with a new statue as a gift. This means that after the birdie, there isn't any room in the story for suggestions of more gift-giving.

Hmmm... I never intended that the Moai miniature was a gift to Kuala when the Chief showed it to her. He was more looking for reaffirmation for his own happy doings. But in the latest version he isn't asking for it, he keeps it for himself because he knows that Kaula won't be enthusiastic. But perhaps he should be presenting another gift there, it might enhance the likability of the chief there, but then on the other hand might decrease the liking of Kuala...

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[info]zolphia
2008-03-02 01:17 pm UTC (link)
Another reason why it's good to give arguments. If you don't just say that something's good, but also add the why, then people can actually learn from it.

Especially the show and tell thing.
I was surprised by that. Because it is one of the very basic rules in story-telling and you know how to apply it to the graphical part of your animation. But it was as if for the dialogue, you had just completely forgotten about it. Just goes to show the many different skills needed for a movie.

That's a relief, so in that way I won't need to feel too guilty. ;)But perhaps he should be presenting another gift there,
A story needs to be compact, you can't add too many things. So either the Chief goes with statues or with a present. Some general thoughts about the two:
Statue: it shows that the Chief is concerned with the statue-making, that it is important to him and gives him joy (though it can't completely take away the pain of the disconnection with Kaula). It keeps the story more focused on the statue-issue.
Gift: it shows that the Chief is constantly thinking of Kaula and constantly trying to improve his life by trying to prove his love to her. This is a more active action, focusing on statues is more passive; so it makes a difference to the Chief's personality. However, any gift won't come back later on in the story, so it may turn out to be a "loose end".

but then on the other hand might decrease the liking of Kuala...
Don't worry about that at all. I'd sooner be concerned about Kaula being too likable. She's almost a saint with all her do-goodery. She needs some imperfections to keep her human. Right now the only bad quality she has is hurting her father by not being very diplomatic about her opinions.

On a completely different note: in case you didn't know already, Persepolis is finally out in the Netherlands.

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[info]zolphia
2008-03-02 01:44 pm UTC (link)
That's a relief, so in that way I won't need to feel too guilty. ;)But perhaps he should be presenting another gift there,

Grrr, lj, when will I be able to edit my comments?
What I meant to say was:
That's a relief, so in that way I won't need to feel too guilty. ;)
Though you can always give me cake to buy off any residual guilt. ;)

Cake-giving-implications are very important! I don't know how that got deleted.

And don't worry about the Chief not being very likable. You can see in the beginning that he tries, which is important, and he totally redeems himself in the end.

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[info]zolphia
2008-03-01 08:55 am UTC (link)
There's one more thing that I was wondering about. The answer may be very obvious, but I'd still like to ask it anyway: why are you doing this in English and not Dutch?

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[info]zolphia
2008-03-01 02:57 pm UTC (link)
I didn't mean to make more comments, because I've already made so many. But in the end it's bloody difficult for me to keep my opinion to myself and, well, you did say you like arguments...

You see, I wish to talk a bit more about the explicit-fact-stating and the show-don't-tell. It seems that what you've done is the following (and I may exaggerate a bit to make this clear): in previous story-version, you describe how a character feels and reacts to a situation. And then in the dialogue, you let this character say this exact description. Which really doesn't work, because that's not how people talk.
Let's use an example of my own to demonstrate this. Say Mr. X sees dog poo from his neighbour's dog lying on his front yard and gets angry about it. In a story synopsis, this is a clear simply sentence. But when turning it into dialogue, you basically went:
Mr. X: "I feel so angry, because this poo is making my yard dirty!"
Whereas normally people don't say how they feel; their tone of voice makes it clear:
*Mr. X sees poo lying*
Mr. X: "Damn, that stupid dog!"
What is being said is completely different and less information is explicitly given, yet the audience understands it anyway.

This people-saying-how-they-feel happens in the script for example at:
"They’re just too thick-headed to comprehend so I stopped caring a long time ago."
And of course the:
"Why oh why did I allow myself to be carried away once again…”

Now I'll stop making comments. I promise.



Well, for today at least.

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